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| I don't think I'm going to keep this blog around much longer, I feel like I've definitely outgrown xanga over the years. I'm really glad that I've kept it up for so long, as it was often the only lifeline I've had for a lot of friends from high school. Those subscriptions were very much appreciated. That said, I think it's time to close this particular chapter of my life as I move on to the professional world and establish myself as a grown man. So here's one last entry to update anyone who still reads this on my current not-quite-post-graduated life.
I leave for Thailand in eight days, where I'll be studying with UCLA's Institute for the Environment in Bangkok and Phuket. I just got my immunizations for Typhoid and TDAP yesterday, and it's made me extremely lethargic and dizzy all day. My arms are both still incredibly sore from the injections. Today I also picked up my meds for malaria prevention and traveler's diahrrea, both of which I hope to never come down with. I'm unbelievably excited about going, and really, I almost wish I was out of the country and already there. I feel almost as if I'm just killing time at this point. Then again, it could just be the vaccines talking.
I used to be into a lot of geeky things in high school, like anime and gaming, but I've kind of moderated myself out of it in college. However, I do still follow a couple of series that I really enjoy. "Hajime no Ippo: New Challenger" is one about boxing, and "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood" is a redux of the original anime series to be more faithful to the comic. I've also been following Spike TV's "Deadliest Warrior," which is really a terrible show in a terribly funny and guy-awesome way. As for gaming, I recently got Team Fortress 2, which is like what Counter-Strike would be if it was in the face with a giant cartoon hammer. If you play, let me know and we should have a few rounds together.
I've been listening to a lot of Pandora lately, usually off my Jason Mraz station or Classical Gas, which my roommate introduced me to when he was learning the guitar tabs for it. I also have an 80s rock station, a Dropkick Murphys station, and a Mexican rock station. I find myself most productive listening to Mraz and Colby, for some reason.
I've been doing graphic design for a non-profit called SpaceShare, which provides a sort of carpooling-matchmaking service for festivals and conferences. It's been a little rough going, especially since I don't think it's terribly well-organized, but it's still been a lot of fun. I'll be putting it on hold when I head out of the country, but I'll still be giving feedback on design work by other people over the wonders of the internet.
Slowly but steadily, I've been drawing and building my demoreel for storyboarding. Honestly, with all the people telling me how hard it's gonna be to find work, I've been having a lot of doubts about what I'm doing with my life. I don't feel like I'm a good enough artist to make it as just an artist, and I certainly don't feel like I'm good enough at anything else to have much of a future either. Still, being as stubborn as I am, I figure I should just do my best and apply and figure my life out later if I can't find work.
I found a judo dojo in my city last week, which has been great. I wish I had found it when I was younger so I could have gotten started much sooner, but I'm happy for the chance to train with them now. There's some really good people there, some of them really young too. It feels really good to do judo again, especially with really strong people. There was a muay thai place I was planning to train at as well, but it was 80 dollars and I didn't really feel like I would have time to draw if I trained there everyday. I'll just have to hope I'll have time to train in some muay thai during my stay in Thailand.
After Thailand, I'll be heading to Taiwan (Shin-Zhu, northern region) for a two week stay with my grandmother. I don't really know what I'll be doing there, but I really hope I'll be able to find somewhere to train martial arts there, since I don't know anyone else and I don't speak Mandarin as well as I fight.
After Taiwan... who knows? I'm hoping that if I apply this coming week, I'll have an interview or maybe even a job offer for when I come back. If not, I really have no plans with what to do. I might head back to the bay to sell solar panels for a friend of mine, since I've got a pretty decent background in sales. My mom would be ecstatic if I landed a job working for the government, like the EPA or something, and actually do something with this "Environmental Politics" degree that I've got. I have to say, all the different reactions to my degree have ranged from confused ("Oh, that's interesting...") to depressing ("What are you gonna do with that?"). Sometimes I feel like I definitely made some poor choices in college in regards to my field of study. I know a lot about environmental ethics and sociology, and am pretty well-versed in the current environmental political arena, particularly at the global level. However, I don't really know how many people are looking to hire someone for that particular skill set, and I don't even know if I'd be interested in the position they'd offer me. I really don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know I like to draw and design things at this point, so I'm looking for a job in that direction, but who knows if that's what I'll stick to. I don't know how much room for advancement there is, and I really don't know if I'm even cut out for that sort of work, lacking the many art school credentials that my competition will probably be toting.
I'll be blogging for the Daily Californian during my stay in Thailand and Taiwan, so maybe I'll try and start a career in the blogosphere. It sounds like a dream, adventuring around the world, learning martial arts all over, and then getting paid to do it! It does sound like a dream, but I do know of at least one person who's making it a reality.
As for me? I can only hope that I can make my dream a reality as well.
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| I want to break someone's legs.
There's a predator on Southside. He creeps up behind girls and assaults them just long enough to surprise them, then flees the scene. He's assaulted twenty girls now. There are many things I'd like to do to him.
When most people talk about violence, they rarely understand what it truly means. I write this entry because I feel inspired. Inspired to do violence. Violence is not putting two men in a ring and watching them throw fists at each other. Violence is not a game with too much blood and gore.
Violence, my dear reader, is the willful and methodological destruction of another human being.
In my mind, I feel the strain as his tendons rip his knee apart from the inside out. I feel the ankle bones crack as they give way to the pressure of my arms. I feel the tremor and snap as his joints burst from the force of leverage.
It reminds me of a line from All Star Batman and Robin: "It's called a compound fracture, rapist, and it'll never heal--not right it won't... You're gonna feel it in the cold, how's arthritis feel? It's gonna remind you everyday for the rest of your life."
It's frightening when I get this way with myself. The jump of adrenaline and the twitch of my body as I think about every savory detail. The solid hold. The inescapable pressure. The screams as he realizes what I'm about to do to him. And it's liberating, being able to express myself this way. No one there to tell me it's wrong. No one there to tell me it scares them. No one there to hate that part of me. Even as I type this, my fingers are shaking with anticipation. It'll pass. It always does. Violent tendencies, coupled with outbursts of anger. Add a drive to compete and a passion for combat. I'm sure I'm something of a textbook case to someone out there.
But my thoughts drift back to the rapist. The coward, lurking MY streets in the middle of the night. How much better off the world would be with him crippled for life. Hell, let's not beat around the bush, how much better the world would be if he were DEAD. It almost makes me want to put on a costume and go catch him myself.
Maybe it's too many comic books. Maybe it's the Watchmen. Maybe it's just my sick fantasy of wanting to break someone, to put my training to the test, to hold someone's life in my hands.
Who knows. Tell me.
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| He's cautious. Keeping his hands away. I fake him a couple of times, trying to open up his chest. I go for the double-collar grip, but he takes the initiative and latches on to my sleeves. He pushes forward, and I know he's going for a reap. I grin on the inside and plant my shin on his abdomen, using his momentum to toss him over. A perfect tomoenage. We get back up, and the grip fight starts again. I'm more careful, trying to get a clean overhook on his right arm, trying to set up a fireman carry. He's pulling back, keeping me from taking control. I drop, going for his leg anyway. I hook a single, and he's hopping backward, trying to stabilize. I try to bring my leg in to reap his only base, but it's not necessary. He falls backward and I follow him, realizing too late he's turning to take the top even as we go down. He hits first, but I'm on my back not long after. There is a mutual agreement to forgo newaza, and we both get to our feet. He's quicker the third time around, frustrated about not getting a good throw in. I know he's tired from his last sparring session, so I try to match his energy level. I still have to work. He shoots for a hip throw, but I take a body lock and lean back with as much as I can. Once we hit the standstill, I brace myself and lift with my legs, bringing him to the side in a suplex that would make Kevin Randleman smile. We're up again, and he goes for a taiotoshi, and again I'm taking the body lock. His feet are under mine, and I can't get the leverage to lift very high. I pull up as much as I can, and drop my weight back down, collapsing his legs from under him. It's not worth any amount of points, but it would give me an advantage on the ground if we went there. We decide to go one more time, and he's determined with his grips. I drop for his legs, but he takes an arm over his shoulder. I think I must be too far back, but he heaves hard and I'm flying over head. I feel his shoulder drive my head into the ground, and the right side of my face goes numb. Ippon seionage, right on my head.
He's the perfect gentleman afterward, extremely apologetic and concerned for my well-being. I can't help but smile, and I reassure him that I'm fine. No harm, no foul. I'm still smiling an hour later, feeling something I haven't had in a long time.
I've got my hunger back. | | |
| So, I haven't updated this in a while, and I probably won't. I think I might be closing the "Xanga" chapter of my life, but it still is convenient for saying something to a lot of people at once (especially since it's tied to Facebook's note feature).
Anyhow, I've got a judo tournament on Sunday, and if you're willing to make the trip to Albany High School, I'd appreciate the support. If not, I appreciate it anyway, and just in case I don't come back, thanks for everything you've ever given me, and sorry for anything I've ever done that warrants apology.
Peace, TT
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| Things are moving, things are changing, and the world goes on. As it does, one can truly appreciate how much things remain the same.
I have a very big note/blog to write at home, and it'll go up when I have internet at my apartment. Until then, here's an update on life:
- Happy
- Working
- Working out
- Bored
- Lonely (sometimes)
- Out of touch (no internet, no phone; funny how two little things make up my communications bridge to the outside world)
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